Archive for April 2015


It is such a big word. 

I have watched The Originals Season 1 and all they talked about is hope. About how a seriously crazy cruel vampire can change himself to be a better person if he knows how many people love him exactly. This vampire is known as Niklaus Mikaelson. Niklaus doesn’t know a thing of being nice. All he cares about is himself so, Elijah, the noble vampire brother is struggling to ensure Niklaus than he can be better than what he is. The only way to do it is to tell Niklaus that he has a baby. 

To Elijah, this baby is the only ‘hope’ to bring back the kindness in Niklaus. Knowing that, Niklaus suddenly feels the tinge of happiness when he realized that someone actually belongs to him. At the end of the season, the baby was born and Niklaus was asked to name her.

“Hope. Let’s call her Hope. Hope Mikaelson.”

Because, obviously the baby is the only ‘hope’ for Niklaus to find his way back to his old kind self.

Some people will tell me that there is always hope. These are the optimists. But there are also, people that will tell me that there is no hope for me. 

I know I have walked through this week, expecting nothing, hoping for nothing. The only thing I would like to do is just to survive this pain and grow stronger. I told you before that I have studied for my tests but nothing turns out the way I want them to be. My marks are still low and I know I am breaking down but, I stand on my ground telling myself that by going down, it won’t help at all. 

At least, I have to put up a fight. But, that’s the thing, it is not that easy. Helding up your head high ain’t that waltz at all. It is hard and I know, in this battlefield, I am bleeding so badly already. Will I win this battle? Or nearly killed myself at the end of it? I don’t know. But I will let you know if anything happens. I will tell you if I win. I will tell you if I lose too.

This post is supposed to talk about hope, you know? 

But I am in the middle of my final exam so I can’t finish my writing in one sit. I have to stop and edit this post multiple times. It is pretty easy but things can change pretty easily too. It was just two days ago I thought I have hope and yesterday, I realized I have none. Then, today, here I am. Putting a stop to what I was supposed to be ‘hopeful’.

It’s okay, you know. I tried to cry, but then realized, I am out of tears already. God knows what will happen to me after all this. 

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The Last Entry for My Literature Journal

I just watched Love, Rosie and now, I feel like writing again. Before I write this entry, I wrote a crappy piece that doesn’t even deserve to be written. It just another piece of me being all depressed and distressed. I believed that this journal for my literature class have gotten itself a name. That would be, “My Insecurities”. Miss, you probably want to keep this journal just in case I got famous one day, you probably want to sell this crappy journal.

I don’t know if you allow students to write ‘bad’ words on their journal. I hope you don’t mind. Oh.. I would like to know too where you keep all your students’ journals. I don’t think collecting people’s diaries is easy. It sounds, depressing to me. Sometimes I wonder how the teachers can read so many journals. I mean, it is full of stories but knowing too much about others’ life seems to hurt a bit unless if you always have someone to talk to about all these journals. 15 journals are just too much for a person, I guess.

So tonight, I have spent doing nothing  productive at all. This week seems so tiring and I know I need a break.

Monday : got Accounts test + graduation night (mock graduation night) + study for Psychology quiz

Tuesday : got Psychology quiz + the electric goes out but have to study for Macro test

Wednesday : got Macro test + finish term paper for literature + print poster for Psychology

Those are the list of things of I what I have to do everyday since Monday. It was just two days ago, but it seems like a week have passed already! That’s how much things I have done for the last two days. And tonight, all I want to do is drink my coffee, eat dinner with my bestfriend, watch a movie and write journal entries for Psychology and Literature class.

I was checking on my phone when suddenly my housemate told me to study. I told her I am just too tired and I would like to take a break.

She replied, ”Aren’t we all?”

That got me thinking. Aren’t we all tired and sleepy? Don’t we all wish to sleep all day long?
We are.

But I guess, that’s the difference between a successful student and a not so successful student. A successful student is the one who does it all no matter how tired they are. Not so successful student won’t do such thing.

But then, miss, what if I just want to have a break? Can I just not study for just one night. Just one night. I want to do something else than just studying.

Is it wrong?
Probably, it is.

For just one night, I want to forget it all for a while and write my feelings down on my journals.

For just one night, I want to watch a movie.

For just one night, I want to laugh for nothing.

For just one night, miss, I want this pressure to go away.

I have studied but nothing turns out to be good. 

I have been staying up late, waking up early. 
I have not gone home. 
I have not angry. 
I have been very positive all the way long. 
I have been so upset all I want to do was jump off the cliff but I also have smiled like everything is okay. 
I want to cry so badly but I turned to my friends and told them how much I love and appreciate them. 

But my results are still bad. 
But my heart still hurts like hell. 
But my brain is stuck like it have been suffocated.

They told me there is always hope. 
But miss, what if there is no hope for a person like me?

I have tried but I failed anyway.

And just for tonight, miss, only for tonight, I would like to take a break but no, my friend said I shouldn’t. 

I’m just tired. For awhile, I am tired. I’m tired of being strong.

Miss, probably I will never be good enough.

I know I will never be. 

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Just Another Simple Conversation on Life

Adik: Aku ingat aku nak jadi auditor.

Kakak: Auditor? Auditor kewangan?

Adik: *angguk*

Kakak: Kakak sekarang tengah fikir macam mana nak guna degree psychology mintak kerja dekat publishing house. Macam, peliklah, nanti pergi mintak kerja, "Saya degree psychology, nak mintak kerja jadi editor."

Adik: Em.. Betul.

Kakak: Tapi haritu Nadh ada cakap, mungkin kakak boleh ambik extra course nanti. Ambik literature ka.. Tapi kena bayar sendiri la, MARA takkan bayar.

Adik: Memangla. Tapi kakak tak boleh jadi editor sebab kakak tak open-minded.

Kakak: Serius la?

Adik: Orang cakap jujur ni. Orang kalau nak jadi akauntan kena honest, adik honest la ni.

Kakak: Habeh tu? Adik nak suruh kakak jadi apa? Suri rumah?

Adik: *gelak* Rugila. Kakak ada talent.

Kakak: Habeh tu nak suruh kakak jadi apa?

Adik: Psychologist la!

Kakak: Clinical psychologist? Prescribe ubat kat orang?

Adik: Jadi pakar motivasi macam Dr. Muhaya ka...

Kakak: Kakak tak mau la jadi orang macam tu.

Adik: *gelak* Kan?? Macam depa faham sangat apa jadi dalam hidup kita.

Kakak: Dulu kakak nak jadi macam tu tapi entahlah, sekarang macam dah tak suka dah motivator. Tak pa la... Kakak masuk military la. Kerja dengan FBI ka, CIA ka..

Adik: Tak boleh! Nanti kakak kena culik.

Kakak: *rolling my eyes*

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