Archive for 2015

The End is Here

Someone told me that I'm going to regret my decision. Maybe I will. But, after years of writing and observing, I realized that the time has come for me to stop.

Reasons?

I'm tired. I'm tired of writing. Tired of telling people how I feel. Tired of my own expectations. Tired of the stuffs I have to deal with when writing down my feelings.

Writing my feelings down always have somehow made me feel a bit light-headed but no, I don't think I can do this anymore. I have changed so much these past few years. My thinking pattern, my style, my beliefs and so much of me have changed.

Writing here now made me feel like the old me, or at least, made me feel like I have to commit to my old self. I'm so much different now, just so different than what I used to be.

And, I don't even know whether it's a good thing or the otherwise. I always over think of what people will think of me. I care about my image in front of others. I just care, but I'm tired of caring.

So, I'm putting a stop, right here, right now.

Maybe those days where I dreamt to be an author doesn't seem relevant anymore today.

Allah bless.


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Do Not Judge People that Wear Make-Ups

Assalamualaikum.



It has been a very long while since the last time I ever wrote anything here. It seems like my passion for writing has faded away and all I want to do now is read. Which is what I am supposed to do right now. Duh.

But some people have forced me (indirectly) to write this particular post that I would never expect myself to write back in the past. So, yeah, here I am, trying my best to keep my temper off the page and be rational.



Since I was a little girl, my parents think it is super necessary for me to look presentable. To go out, I must at least match my scarf with my shirt. I couldn't just go out and pick random (unaccepted) random colors to wear. Even when I started wearing scarves, my mother made me wear those in the most stylish ways a girl can wear. My moms bought me pretty pins and nice colored long dresses with matching scarves so that I still gonna look cute in her eyes. I still remember when my friends started to wear baju kurung (the top) with pants and I tried to do the same. All I can remember was how furious my mother was to look at me wearing such things.

My parents always want me to look presentable. We might do not have much money back then, but my parents will never use that as an excuse to not let me wear pretty things. My mother, especially. She tried her best to match whatever I have so that I will never ever look out of style.

And yes, even up until now, my parents still have a big influence on my fashion taste. I am still not allowed to go out wearing a T-shirt with jeans. At least, I have to put on an acceptable blouse to go out. They are really good in that, you know?

If my parents are good in fashion, my sister is just GREAT in it. She knows exactly what to wear and how to put it together. Even when she was younger, my sister has always been the most stylish one in the whole family. Everyone knows my sister for her great likings in heels, glittery clothes and pretty accessories.

Back then,
I was a decent looking girl.
While my sister was a stylista!



When we moved to Seremban, in 2011 if I am not mistaken, I have stopped from wearing any facial products. I stopped my facial cream and compact powder routine because I want to go all REAL and NOT FAKE. But on the other hand, my sister started to practice on her make-up skills at the same time. I watched her watching all those videos by make-up artists.

Slowly, she developed her make-up skills by tryng them out. Most people think it was so young of her to be using make-ups since she was only 14. But my father thought otherwise. He said,

"People are not all the same. This is her thing, let's her do it."

That is my father. Supportive as ever. He didn't stop me from reading anything, so I have to let my sister lead her way into more make-ups everyday.

Now, I am so proud to look how my sister is so skillful when it comes to a face. She knows exactly what to do with everyone's looks. Not everyone can do that. People says that make-ups are so harmful to our face and my sister will only reply with,

"That's because you do not know anything about make-ups."

If you are wondering how my sister looks like now, well, pretty as ever. No matter how much make-up she put on, her skin is still flawless. It is all about choosing the right thing to wear.



As an older sister, I thought I will never be the same as my sister. She can do all her make-ups stuff and I will just be ME; plain and make-up-less. But, things do change.

Whenever we go back to our hometown, not many people can help themselves from not saying out loud how beautiful my sister is. They will always compliment her and look at her and you know, impressed on how good she looks at her age. And that is when I started to feel INVISIBLE. 

I realized not many people are looking at me anymore because my sister shines so much brighter than me. No matter how much people says that HEART MATTER THE MOST, they still gonna look at the prettiest girl in the room, aren't they?

Liars. 

After several ocassions of being unseen, I started to go back to my simple make-up routine; powder, cream, sunscreen and lip gloss sometimes.

I might not be as pretty as my sister, but after that, yes, people do notice me all again. And that is why, I am improving on my make-up skills these days. So that, people STOP from putting me out of their views.



Recently, Malaysian Ringgit has fallen in terms of the value. There are also political issues going on in my country that hurt most of the people more than I thought it would be. It seems improper for me to write this piece now, but, you see, some people need to be given some explanation. Or at least, I need to give an explanation to myself so that my brain stop from being messed up while I am reading.

So, I have been reading some annoying tweets these days saying that girls are wearing make-ups just to impress the boys/males/men. And to be honest, I got all flared up after reading such tweets, To make it worst, there are even some girls who retweeted the tweets. Ugh. Come on, girl. Is that why you are living in this world? To impress the other gender?! 

I couldn't even explain my frustation.

And then, they are even some other people that make fun of girls who wearing make-ups not to impress the males. They said we (since I do not wear make-up to freaking impress the other gender) are wearing make-ups to impress animals. That is such a disgrace.

This morning, while preparing herself to school, my sister made me watch a video.


There you go. One of the reasons why people wear make-ups.

Not everyone has a perfect skin. Not everyone is naturally physically beautiful. And don't tell me that kind people are beautiful. WE KNOW THAT ALREADY.

The question is, will you look at an ugly person (by your denifition) with no disgust at all?

If you want to choose a partner, (to men especially), will you not look at her face at all? 

That is the problem of our society nowadays. They want girls to look beautiful and when they did, they say girls are putting too much make-ups. But when a girl looks like the one in the video, people criticized her for being ugly.

To be truth, I am so tired of people insulting each other.



It is easy for pious girls that come from religious schools to tell other girls that make-up are not necessary and even up to a stake where it is forbidden. It was undoubtedly easy for them since they are well-educated with the knowledge that God does not judge us based on how we look but on how our heart is. These pious girls can give all the fatwas from all around the world saying that make-up is forbidden, but really, how do you tell that to other girls that are not so pious as you?

Telling them that make-up is forbidden will not make them feel more comfortable with their skin. That also will not make them feel more confident with their looks.

Don't tell them make-up is haraam, just tell them that they look so beautiful even without make-up.

We all have our struggles and the other girl struggles will never be the same like the other girls'.

For me, I put on make-up so that people start to see me too. I don't want to be all plain and invisible. I just don't want to be left out when I stand beside my sister.

And no. To men that thinks most women put on make-ups to impress you guys, I can tell you that you are wrong most of the times. Well, I can't say that none of us put on make-ups not to impress the other gender because that is not entirely true. There are, I ADMIT, girls who wear make-ups so that they are noticed by their male friends or crushes or whatever there is to be impressed.

But as for me, I go all make-up free around people that love me dearly. I know they don't care how I look like. When I go out with my favorite guy friend, I go all make-up free because I know he is already impressed with me for who I am. He sees me so, I don't need to impress him more with make-ups.

So does my sister. She agrees that every woman should go all make-up free around their husbands because your husband should be accepting you for who you are. And, it is not like you can wear make-up all the time around him, don't you think? (But then, it doesn't mean you can look all dirty in front of them either)

You see, most of us, wear make-up just to fit in. Or, to stop people from feeling disgusted looking at our faces.



Okay..

My point is, PLEASE STOP JUDGING PEOPLE THAT WEAR MAKE-UPS.

I am so tired listening to men insulting girls with make-ups. Girls can have so many reasons to wear make-ups and please do not think that MEN are the ONLY REASON we put on make-ups. It is considered as insulting. As if, we, women have no other think to of but impressing you guys.

We care so much more to impress ourselves. To look good and to be accepted, not only by men, BUT BY HUMAN BEINGS IN GENERAL.

If you think make-up are fake and stuffs, okay. That's fine. But saying in a very harsh way to other people who wear make-ups? No. That's not okay.

This post is not to ask you to wear more make-ups. It is not written to tell you that you should care more about your physical look more than your internal look. After all, we all agree that beauties are the ones with a great heart.

This post is just asking you to stop judging and insulting people that wear make-ups.

It is fine for you not to like make-ups.
But insulting people who wear make-ups will never be okay, okay?

Till then.




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Hope



HOPE.
It is such a big word. 

I have watched The Originals Season 1 and all they talked about is hope. About how a seriously crazy cruel vampire can change himself to be a better person if he knows how many people love him exactly. This vampire is known as Niklaus Mikaelson. Niklaus doesn’t know a thing of being nice. All he cares about is himself so, Elijah, the noble vampire brother is struggling to ensure Niklaus than he can be better than what he is. The only way to do it is to tell Niklaus that he has a baby. 

To Elijah, this baby is the only ‘hope’ to bring back the kindness in Niklaus. Knowing that, Niklaus suddenly feels the tinge of happiness when he realized that someone actually belongs to him. At the end of the season, the baby was born and Niklaus was asked to name her.

“Hope. Let’s call her Hope. Hope Mikaelson.”

Because, obviously the baby is the only ‘hope’ for Niklaus to find his way back to his old kind self.

Some people will tell me that there is always hope. These are the optimists. But there are also, people that will tell me that there is no hope for me. 

I know I have walked through this week, expecting nothing, hoping for nothing. The only thing I would like to do is just to survive this pain and grow stronger. I told you before that I have studied for my tests but nothing turns out the way I want them to be. My marks are still low and I know I am breaking down but, I stand on my ground telling myself that by going down, it won’t help at all. 

At least, I have to put up a fight. But, that’s the thing, it is not that easy. Helding up your head high ain’t that waltz at all. It is hard and I know, in this battlefield, I am bleeding so badly already. Will I win this battle? Or nearly killed myself at the end of it? I don’t know. But I will let you know if anything happens. I will tell you if I win. I will tell you if I lose too.

This post is supposed to talk about hope, you know? 

But I am in the middle of my final exam so I can’t finish my writing in one sit. I have to stop and edit this post multiple times. It is pretty easy but things can change pretty easily too. It was just two days ago I thought I have hope and yesterday, I realized I have none. Then, today, here I am. Putting a stop to what I was supposed to be ‘hopeful’.


It’s okay, you know. I tried to cry, but then realized, I am out of tears already. God knows what will happen to me after all this. 

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The Last Entry for My Literature Journal



I just watched Love, Rosie and now, I feel like writing again. Before I write this entry, I wrote a crappy piece that doesn’t even deserve to be written. It just another piece of me being all depressed and distressed. I believed that this journal for my literature class have gotten itself a name. That would be, “My Insecurities”. Miss, you probably want to keep this journal just in case I got famous one day, you probably want to sell this crappy journal.

I don’t know if you allow students to write ‘bad’ words on their journal. I hope you don’t mind. Oh.. I would like to know too where you keep all your students’ journals. I don’t think collecting people’s diaries is easy. It sounds, depressing to me. Sometimes I wonder how the teachers can read so many journals. I mean, it is full of stories but knowing too much about others’ life seems to hurt a bit unless if you always have someone to talk to about all these journals. 15 journals are just too much for a person, I guess.

So tonight, I have spent doing nothing  productive at all. This week seems so tiring and I know I need a break.

Monday : got Accounts test + graduation night (mock graduation night) + study for Psychology quiz

Tuesday : got Psychology quiz + the electric goes out but have to study for Macro test

Wednesday : got Macro test + finish term paper for literature + print poster for Psychology

Those are the list of things of I what I have to do everyday since Monday. It was just two days ago, but it seems like a week have passed already! That’s how much things I have done for the last two days. And tonight, all I want to do is drink my coffee, eat dinner with my bestfriend, watch a movie and write journal entries for Psychology and Literature class.

I was checking on my phone when suddenly my housemate told me to study. I told her I am just too tired and I would like to take a break.

She replied, ”Aren’t we all?”

That got me thinking. Aren’t we all tired and sleepy? Don’t we all wish to sleep all day long?
We are.

But I guess, that’s the difference between a successful student and a not so successful student. A successful student is the one who does it all no matter how tired they are. Not so successful student won’t do such thing.

But then, miss, what if I just want to have a break? Can I just not study for just one night. Just one night. I want to do something else than just studying.

Is it wrong?
Probably, it is.

For just one night, I want to forget it all for a while and write my feelings down on my journals.

For just one night, I want to watch a movie.

For just one night, I want to laugh for nothing.

For just one night, miss, I want this pressure to go away.

I have studied but nothing turns out to be good. 

I have been staying up late, waking up early. 
I have not gone home. 
I have not angry. 
I have been very positive all the way long. 
I have been so upset all I want to do was jump off the cliff but I also have smiled like everything is okay. 
I want to cry so badly but I turned to my friends and told them how much I love and appreciate them. 

But my results are still bad. 
But my heart still hurts like hell. 
But my brain is stuck like it have been suffocated.

They told me there is always hope. 
But miss, what if there is no hope for a person like me?

I have tried but I failed anyway.

And just for tonight, miss, only for tonight, I would like to take a break but no, my friend said I shouldn’t. 

I’m just tired. For awhile, I am tired. I’m tired of being strong.

Miss, probably I will never be good enough.

I know I will never be. 

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Just Another Simple Conversation on Life



Adik: Aku ingat aku nak jadi auditor.

Kakak: Auditor? Auditor kewangan?

Adik: *angguk*

Kakak: Kakak sekarang tengah fikir macam mana nak guna degree psychology mintak kerja dekat publishing house. Macam, peliklah, nanti pergi mintak kerja, "Saya degree psychology, nak mintak kerja jadi editor."

Adik: Em.. Betul.

Kakak: Tapi haritu Nadh ada cakap, mungkin kakak boleh ambik extra course nanti. Ambik literature ka.. Tapi kena bayar sendiri la, MARA takkan bayar.

Adik: Memangla. Tapi kakak tak boleh jadi editor sebab kakak tak open-minded.

Kakak: Serius la?

Adik: Orang cakap jujur ni. Orang kalau nak jadi akauntan kena honest, adik honest la ni.

Kakak: Habeh tu? Adik nak suruh kakak jadi apa? Suri rumah?

Adik: *gelak* Rugila. Kakak ada talent.

Kakak: Habeh tu nak suruh kakak jadi apa?

Adik: Psychologist la!

Kakak: Clinical psychologist? Prescribe ubat kat orang?

Adik: Jadi pakar motivasi macam Dr. Muhaya ka...

Kakak: Kakak tak mau la jadi orang macam tu.

Adik: *gelak* Kan?? Macam depa faham sangat apa jadi dalam hidup kita.

Kakak: Dulu kakak nak jadi macam tu tapi entahlah, sekarang macam dah tak suka dah motivator. Tak pa la... Kakak masuk military la. Kerja dengan FBI ka, CIA ka..

Adik: Tak boleh! Nanti kakak kena culik.

Kakak: *rolling my eyes*

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Review: Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire



Assalamualaikum.

Once my sister see how many stars I gave this book, she is going to judge me. Basically, this is my sister's kind of book, not mine. She can't blame me for that. 

So, I finished this book in four days, which is quite long for a 400 page book, but, for me, that's a good reading pace. Recently, I have read books in slower pace, mostly a week or two before I finished a book. The reason why I picked up Walking Disaster is basically because I know I need a break from an intense book. I just finished My Sister's Keeper and I have been planning to read Legend by Marie Lu, but I know I can't jump into Legend straight away after My Sister's Keeper so, my sister suggested me to read Walking Disaster.

It is not that bad, really. Normal, I would say. By the end of it, I started to feel a little bit boring since I can already see what is coming. 

And also, I am not a big fan of love stories or heart warming kind of stories, not even chick-lit. I can read them, of course, but if you ask me for my favorites, none of them are. No Jodi Picoult, or Sophie Kinsella. My favorites are always Marie Lu, J.K. Rowling and Phillipa Gregory.



Let's get back to the book, The Walking Disaster, written by Jamie McGuire (it's a she, people! please alert!).
  
I don't really like the way the love relationship works here. It seems unreal and too much obsessions. To me, love is all about being good to each other and not obsessing about each other. The thought of Travis Maddox being so obsessed over Abby makes me sick. But, I am so glad that by the end of the book, their love comes out to be something more real and reasonable. 

Because, to me, love is not just about snuggling or sleeping together. It is so much more than that. You have a future ahead of you and you can't always gamble like Abby and Travis in this book. Life is not as easy as that. Falling in love is not as easy as that. 

I would appreciate it if they have more dramatic and intense problems. Their hardships are just too brief and not impactful enough and I guess, that's what makes the book a light read. It is good in a way and not, in the other way.

I was dissapointed a bit by the blurry details in the book. To be exact, I am not sure how the characters look like since from Travis point of view, he never mentioned it. I have to ask my sister to know how the characters look like. Only then I found out that Travis is a massive guy and Abby loves ponytail. I don't know if Jamie writes it that way so that we can understand a male's way of thinking for real or she just want to make it that way.



Abby is a good character and well-developed, I would say. She knows what to do and how to make a guy go crazy about her. It is just something that I hope a girl would do. Instead of going crazy over a boy, you should make it the other way round. Do not wait until you are ditched, walk away first so the boy knows what he is losing. If he thinks you worth the fight, he will come back and if he does not come back, he is not worth it. Strong, I love it. 

Travis somehow seems typical to me. It is just another boy that falls in love for a girl and willing to give his life to the girl. Everyone loves a guy like this. Travis Maddox knows how to fight, has a very good physical appearance, owns a cool family and loves a girl with his life. I would love him more if more realistic elements are placed into his character. 

On the other side, I love Travis's family just too much. They are all kick-ass kind of characters, but nice all at the same time. Who doesn't like a guy who knows to punch and take care of his baby brother, right? All respect goes to Trenton, Tyler, Taylor and Thomas. Good big bros you would like to have. And yes, their father also is one of the best fictional fathers ever. Bad daddy who lost his wife, but, love his sons all the same. Lovely! 

The way he treats Abby makes me feel so good. "No one talks about your sister like that." Who doesn't want to be treated that way, really? He is such a cool fictional father. Very supportive and a kind of parent that you won't be afraid to talk to. It kinda reminds me of Park's father from Eleanor and Park. 



I am not suggesting this to anyone because really, the reason I pick up this book is just for a getaway from another disastrous book. I gave it only 2 over 5 stars which is, of course, not good enough to be picked up at the first place. But, if anyone out there needs a getaway kind of book, I am definitely suggesting this. 

Happy Reading..! Have a nice day! 

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Don't Waste Your Money On Books

Assalamualaikum.




So today is not a very good day for me. I feel upset and depressed. I want to talk to someone so badly, but then, how can they help me? Whatever happened to me is not even a big thing. There are other things people should be worried about.

I’m not a kind of person who would spend a lot of money on things I’m not sure about using it. Furthermore, I’m saving for my staying in Australia (InsyaaAllah, if I pass the cutoff pointer). I know I shouldn’t spend a lot of money on things that are not necessary.

But today, I’ve spent RM83 and that’s quite a lot for me (if you are rich, that’s probably nothing much to you). I bought 5 fictional books with my BB1M voucher. I have to add RM34 due to some misunderstanding with the cashier and feeling disappointed about it right now. I should just use the voucher to buy my sister’s textbooks, but I decided to be selfish and bought myself books that I know I won’t have time to read. 



When I was in the queue to pay for my sister’s textbooks, I saw a guy, probably around my age, using his voucher to buy books and some stationery for his younger sister. And there I was, using my parents’ money to buy books for my sister. The voucher should be used to buy the ‘essentials’ but no, I’ve been doing it the wrong way.

I hate this. I don’t want to be like this. I can’t. I have a future to think about and this is not something I should be doing. *cry*

I’m probably a bibliophile, but I do have my own principles when it comes to book buying activity. 

  • First, I won’t buy any book unless the book has a 50% sale or more, no less than that. 
  • Second, I can’t buy a book if I’m not sure about reading the book. 
  • Third, I have to prioritize the need of buying the book. If my sister needs the money more than I do, I have to prioritize her needs first.


Today, I’ve bought books against my own principles and I hate myself for what I did.

I don’t know how to say this, but I really want to say this.

To all BB1M vouchers, please buy something that is worthy. Don’t spend on books that you are not even sure of reading it. If you have a lot of unread books at home, think about these books you will buy. Will you read them? And if you don’t want to read them, why would you want to buy them?
There are other people who probably need it more than you do. If you want to use it, make sure it is worth the buy. Or else, don’t.

You probably will be like me, sitting on my chair, wanting to update my blog so desperately, overwhelmed by my own frustration.


Just, don’t. 


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Readers' Problems

Assalamualaikum.

So here I am when I supposed to read two books for my next assignment, reports for court case since we need to do some mock trial later on and I am the scriptwriter assistant, I need to finish a paper, study for quiz and exam and the list go on. Either I like it or not.

But, I don't feel like doing any of it. I feel like reading but I feel guilty if I read something out of my necessities.

Reading have been life to me recently. Like, seriously, I can't go on without reading a book that I choose on my own. Sometimes I wonder if reading have given a bad influence on me. It is good thing to read but if it drugs you, I don't think it can still be considered as a good thing anymore.

And also, I think I have prioritise more of my reading than my family. I feel like I have abandoned my family since I need to finish my book. Same goes to my sister. We barely spent time with each other, watching our favorite shows and stuffs. And also, both of us do not even care to go out of the room to spend time with our parents because we are reading such a freaking good book.

You know, I can see a big problem here. Really big. *cry*

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High Achievers, Please Dream Bigger

Assalamualaikum.

I supposed to attend a motivation talk but then, I am here, writing a post for my blog. Why? One answer for that; I'm annoyed.

Maybe because of the motivator or maybe I'm just not in the mood. It could be both tho.

The motivator however, started his speech by talking of his high-achievement. Well, it is quite impressive except to the part where he actually talk about it. He is an engineer or something but really, I don't think people care if you are a doctor yourself.

The society needs you. That is what I care about. We are not doing things so we can tell them to other people. We do things because our hearts say so and that's the only way to help this ruined world.

I think the motivator should know better that most of us are not in college to freaking achieve the highest score in exam. Really? Is that what you want me to do? To get high marks and all? It is enough that I pass the requirement. I have other dreams that do not require me to be a 4 flat student. I don't want to be a 4 flat student. I WANT TO BE ME!! What was he thinking? Is he talking to some high school students?

The motivator asked, "Do you have a dream?"

Well, if I give my answer to him, will he understands my craziness towards fictions and fantasies?

And then, he added, "Have you ever dream of getting a 4 flat?" 

Does he really want an answer for that? Can't he thinks for himself?

He can talk to other high school students. But, no, not to me.

First, he boost his achievement in the exams. Then, what? He wants us to be like him?

I'm so sorry that I do not dream that small.

I'm dreaming of saving this society from being dumb and clueless and cruel.
I'm dreaming of saving my people from unhappiness and hypocrisy.
I'm dreaming of leading my generations to books so that they understand that world is not a place to play.
I'm dreaming of a lot.

And, that's way bigger of what the motivator was talking about.

I'm sorry 4 flat is not in the list. 

I have seen and been one of those high-achievers. And, you know what? I'm not happy before than I am now. A's are just an indicator of how good your brain is but not how good your heart is. I used to force myself to be what everybody else forced me to be. But then, why am I doing that? To impress human, that know nothing but talk bad of everything?

I learnt that I have no one to impress. Even if I have people that I want to impress, I don't need to. Allah knows better. I don't need anyone to be impressed of my scholarship or my achievements back then. If I can't help other people, then I'm off as a useless person.

It is not what your major is.
It is not what your CGPA is.
It is what is in your heart.

To all high-achievers, please, I believe you should dream bigger. 

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